Can We Talk About Something REAL?

In defence of small talk

it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a presumably normal-sized fortune, must be in want of a deep conversation.

in fact, so desperate is he for deep conversation that he will mill around any ball house party requesting—nay, demanding—deep conversation from any and all women? people? he encounters.

I had the (mis)fortune of encountering a deep conversationalist at a house party last weekend. we were in the kitchen at the same time pouring drinks when he joined a conversation I was having. the other party to the conversation left (to vape, if memory serves) and the, as I would soon find out, deep conversationalist and I continued chatting. all was very normal and pleasant, until…

sorry, can we talk about something real?

we had been talking about antibiotic resistance.

I just feel like no one ever wants to get deep anymore. why can’t we talk about something deep?

I am practiced in this art.

we can.

okay. let’s talk about something deep then.

reader, do you see the problem?

this is not how you have a conversation!

what do you want to talk about?

just…something deep.

for fuck’s sake.

is there anything in particular you would like to talk about?

inevitably, it’s one of the following topics:

1. how we know other people have thoughts

2. aliens

like…do you think this is all there is? do you think there’s life, like, somewhere else?

bingo.

I wonder how many times the average deep conversationalist has an approximation of the same conversation. do you think they've rehearsed the same talking points to perfection and they just want to show off their one preprepared monologue?

conversation 101

a quick lesson on how to talk about the things you want to talk about. not that I think you need it, reader. but sometimes it’s nice to get things off your chest.

let’s start you off on the back foot. you are not the person to initiate the conversation. this applies in both one-on-one and group scenarios.

• the person (or people) who is not you says something.

• you respond with something relevant to what they have said.

• you entertain the current topic for a reasonable length of time, so as not to appear rude.

• at some point, identify something they say that comes closer to the realm of conversation towards which you wish to head. this requires paying attention to what the other person is saying.

• you can use this thing they said to steer the conversation towards your chosen topic, until it feels like it just came up naturally.

• ask the stupid alien question.

or, you know, interrupt them halfway through a sentence and ask if you can talk about something real.

I don’t even mind talking about aliens or about whether other people are real (they are, btw. feel free to debate that in the comments, but I won’t be responding. i’ve fulfilled my quota of inane deepness for the month). my real problem is with the asking of the question, ‘can we talk about something real/deep?’ if you have something you want to talk about, just…talk about that topic? or, if you must, ask, ‘can we talk about [topic]?’ it’s the taking a special moment for supercilious nonsense pseudo intellectual posturing that i just can’t be doing with. sorry, this is just a real pet peeve of mine.

in defence of small talk

small talk is good. it’s necessary. and it can be a precursor to ‘real’ conversation. small talk topics are safe go-tos because they’re topics anyone can easily engage in, even if you don’t know each other. small talk is just the way into a conversation. the conversation then has the potential to go wherever the participants want it to go. it can either get ‘deeper’ or not.

you make your way through small talk. you find something that is said and you riff on that. also, you can talk about almost anything in a small talk situation.

small talk can be fun! it doesn’t have to be limited to

bad weather, eh?

oh yes, awful.

I would consider ‘are there aliens’ to come under the umbrella of small talk. or at most medium talk. it’s certainly not deep. and certainly not so deep as to be off-limits in a casual conversation.

to me, a deep conversation is intimate. maybe revealing something intimate about yourself, or asking something intimate about the other person. or tapping into something emotional. and, yeah, I agree that we don’t have deep conversations with every/any stranger we chat to. and that’s fine. sometimes people don’t want to tell a stranger about their dying relative or the worst thing they’ve ever done.

asking to have a ‘deep’ conversation without making your way there naturally feels akin to an attempt to create an artificial semblance of a ‘deep’ relationship. a shortcut to feeling that you share a connection, without creating the necessary foundations for it to be real.

and what is more likely to happen when two people feel they have a deep connection or relationship?

wait. have I just solved the puzzle? have I cracked the code? have I pulled the Scooby-Doo monster mask off of someone who wants deep conversation to reveal someone who wants…sex? say it ain’t so!

maybe one time when someone wants to talk about something deep, i’ll say sure! then launch into a detailed narration of the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. wonder what they’d say. there are certainly no aliens in that story.

I know some elements of this can be difficult for some neurodivergent people, or just not their style of communication. but that is obviously not what i’m talking about. i’m talking about people who don’t care about what other people have to say and are very impressed with their own solipsistic (literally) soliloquising.