previously on The Mr Darcy Project…
TL;DR: I want to embark upon a dating journey as someone who hasn’t had so much as a crush in about four years.
I want to use dating apps. or rather, I want to want to use dating apps. but realistically I know they’re not for me. I don’t think I would be capable of fancying someone on the basis of a couple of pictures and some unspoken sentences, or even ascertaining whether I have the potential to fancy someone on that basis.
i’m not trying to come across like I think i’m some kind of born-in-the-wrong-era should-have-been-an-Austen-protagonist-or-at-least-a-’90s-romcom-woman. what i’m saying is: it is very rare that I ever fancy anyone—we wouldn’t be here if that wasn’t the case. I haven’t like-liked anyone since probably around about the onset of the covid era. we’re not playing about in ‘hopeless romantic’ territory here (at least not the ‘romantic’ part anyway). what we are toying with is the idea that the crush centre of my brain has atrophied, potentially to the point of no return, through lack of exercise, and I don’t think it’s going to be shocked back into a functional state by a passive virtual scroll.
I can only think of three people I have ever properly fancied soon after meeting them (what I am led to believe is the ‘normal’ way of things). otherwise, anyone I have ever liked, i’ve been at least acquaintances with before even considering that I might feel more than that. I think my default attraction style is whatever the opposite of the ‘friendzone’ is. (not that I believe in the ‘friendzone’ anyway—sometimes people just don’t fancy the other person, even if that other person fancies them, it’s not because they got stuck in some unalterable ‘friend’ state, it’s just unreciprocated.)
full disclosure: while typing that last paragraph, I did do a quick mental analysis of my Male Friends Roster and can confirm I feel, very firmly, Friend about all of them (and them to me, for sure).
and I just don’t think this style of attraction is at all suited to the largely photo-based medium of the dating app. unfortunately. genuinely. I wish I could feel attraction more easily, believe me.
point two against dating apps in my mind is that, if I were to scroll through a selection of people of whom I know very little and can only see a few pictures, I think I would very quickly fall into a pattern of swiping mostly on people who fall into my historical ‘type’. and that seems folly.
if you’re curious, said ‘type’ that I would swipe on would probably be: brown hair; bit of a beard, but not a Full Beard; glasses maybe; general ‘nerdy’ vibe (don’t love to say it); a job that is kind of not a million miles away from the same realm as my job, but not in the actual same genre of job (I know this is vague, but I know what I mean).
I am actively seeking to avoid closing off any potentially surprising avenues. and I don’t think swiping through options like it’s, for want of a better metaphor, people ASOS is the way to go in service of that objective.
a third thing! I don’t want to sound like i’m bragging, but I happen to be in the very fortunate position of possessing reasonably high self-esteem. if you’ll allow me to proffer a rogue hypothesis, that could arguably be partially the result of having gone my whole life never having set finger on a dating app. and i’m just not sure i’d come out of a dating app experiment the same way I went in. not that I think dating apps are bad for everyone’s self esteem, or that they never yield results because I know they do; I think they would be bad for mine specifically and not work for me, due to the things I know about myself and my personality.
i’m embarking upon this dating journey in the hopes of enhancing a life I am already fairly content with, to hopefully add some positive emotional elements. I don’t think i’m looking to decimate my self esteem and develop an anxious attachment style. not at this juncture anyway.
those are the thoughts i’ve been having all week after starting this blog, while simultaneously having every intention of being a complete hypocrite and creating an account anyway. I even started looking through my photos and evaluating which ones I think best represent what I look like and my, you know, vibe.
but tonight I was at a party
interjection: I am writing this post-party in a taxi, at 4am after a bottle of Prosecco and four shots. hence the gorgeous prose you are reading right now.
I had a lovely time at this party. it wasn’t a dancy musicy party; it was a sit-in-a-house-and-mingle party. and, with the prospect of forcing myself to meet people on an app looming on the horizon, I couldn’t not think about how much I was enjoying meeting new people in person. (no romantic prospects—this story isn’t about to take an exciting turn, sorry!)
I am definitely, inescapably, for better or worse, a meet-people-in-person person. and do you know what, fuck it, that’s fine. I can resign myself to that (maybe I am a born-in-the-wrong-era should-have-been-an-Austen-protagonist-or-at-least-a-’90s-romcom-woman after all).
we are going old school, organic and doing this project sans app. meeting people in person is nature’s dating app as they say (they don't).
however, from what I hear, everyone is on the apps. do people still actually meet people irl?
do people still ask people out in person? I can see how it would be easier on the apps. on there, you know everyone else is also there looking to be asked out. you can’t be anywhere near as sure irl if someone wants to be asked out or not. and rejection is definitely less embarrassing online when you don’t have to then go ‘oh, okay’ and then walk away. argh. idk. maybe I should just get on an app???
does anyone else feel the same? surely someone else must think they just can't be attracted to someone they’ve only seen pictures of and only over the internet??
and, fuck it, if I was going to get on an app, which one should I try first (I hear tinder is a hellscape)??? answers on a postcard (in the comments) please! i’m being very serious, I would love some advice <3
a note to people who have subscribed: thank you so much! I hate to lean into the internet cliche of ‘I never expected all that when I posted it’ but having people take an interest in this project after my first post has been so incredibly encouraging I can’t even tell you. i’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone in every respect here (the irl dating aspect and the online being vulnerable with strangers aspect) and to have had so much support and so many lovely comments last week has really spurred me on. lots of love, livvie <3<3<3
I did not see that 4am taxi reveal coming *at all*!
I think that the most charming thing to me about this project of yours is how much it reminds me of me before I met my partner. That is, of course, not to say that you should everything as I did, but I highly advise you to be flexible. I also did not believe I’d find my partner on a dating app, with the thought behind this belief being “the person who is going to be the one for me would not actually be on a dating app.” And yet, I was on every dating app in Bulgaria (ain’t no Hinge for the wicked) trying to find my person and I did happen to eventually find him on… (think of this as a drumroll) Tinder! I didn’t quite like him at the beginning until one day we met on a train and spent 4-5 hours together. My best friend saw him through the window as he was about to get in, I texted him, he processed the fact that I am in the same train as him for 20 minutes, and then he came to my wagon and spent the rest of the journey home with me. A few days later we went on a proper date and then we went on another one and the rest is history.
I think that dating parties might be a better fit for you. Perhaps you could try a combination and go on a Tinder party if they do such parties in your area and you are comfortable with the idea of matching with somebody and then immediately meeting them (not quite sure I would be, but I suppose this will be closer to the old school dating experience.) In any case, try whatever you think makes sense for you to try and see for yourself. And, be careful! As much as there are wonderful people out there on these apps, there are people who do not have your best interest at heart. And, there are also people who will over sexualise you from the beginning. Stand your ground and try to take the best out of all of your options. Take care and I wish you lots of luck on your journey! ♥️