I think that the most charming thing to me about this project of yours is how much it reminds me of me before I met my partner. That is, of course, not to say that you should everything as I did, but I highly advise you to be flexible. I also did not believe I’d find my partner on a dating app, with the thought behind this belief being “the person who is going to be the one for me would not actually be on a dating app.” And yet, I was on every dating app in Bulgaria (ain’t no Hinge for the wicked) trying to find my person and I did happen to eventually find him on… (think of this as a drumroll) Tinder! I didn’t quite like him at the beginning until one day we met on a train and spent 4-5 hours together. My best friend saw him through the window as he was about to get in, I texted him, he processed the fact that I am in the same train as him for 20 minutes, and then he came to my wagon and spent the rest of the journey home with me. A few days later we went on a proper date and then we went on another one and the rest is history.
I think that dating parties might be a better fit for you. Perhaps you could try a combination and go on a Tinder party if they do such parties in your area and you are comfortable with the idea of matching with somebody and then immediately meeting them (not quite sure I would be, but I suppose this will be closer to the old school dating experience.) In any case, try whatever you think makes sense for you to try and see for yourself. And, be careful! As much as there are wonderful people out there on these apps, there are people who do not have your best interest at heart. And, there are also people who will over sexualise you from the beginning. Stand your ground and try to take the best out of all of your options. Take care and I wish you lots of luck on your journey! ♥️
this is a wonderful comment, thank you so much! really appreciate the advice, definitely taking on board. also, that train scenario is like something from a romcom or a Christmas film or something haha, I love it! 💜
I've often found this with apps and it's so nice to read this! I've tried to explain the sheer slog of this to people who just don't seem to get. They think it would be fun and assume it's an embarrassment-about-being-on-apps-thing which it's not, it's just the unnaturalness of it and, also, I share the same rarely fancying people thing.
ugh thank you!!! I'm so glad to have someone say they feel the same! bookmarked that article to read, thanks. and can you imagine if I DID meet someone on substack lmao, not sure about the whole 'they would have read my literal diary' element to that tbf!
I’m so glad too! Yes imagine - it would add something new to the getting to know you bit. Or perhaps the beauty is it would take that awkward part away completely!
From someone who’s on the ace spectrum and struggles incessantly on the apps, I’ve found hinge and bumble to be the post tolerable but still tedious and disappointing 🤩 I’ve experimented with non-monogamy and kink and have met a few cool folks on feeld but I know that isn’t everyone’s vibe haha
With more people becoming vocal about their hatred for dating apps, though, I hope more in person meet ups are on the rise! Wishing us all luck :’)
ooh I don't think non-monog/feeld is quite my vibe but from anything ive heard from the kink scene people seem to meet a lot of really cool and nice people. absolutely wishing us all luck 🤞💕
Good post , thanks for sharing 😀, if you want to Read my last two posts to give you more insight on dating apps , from someone who has been on them for the last five years on and off ! ‘Dating App Hell, a modern nightmare’ 🤦🏻♀️and ‘my dating app ban’ 🤷🏻♀️ 😃
'does anyone else feel the same? surely someone else must think they just can't be attracted to someone they’ve only seen pictures of and only over the internet??'
Hmm. Okay, so first thing's first: I do know people who are like this - so yes, you are not alone :)
Secondly... well, I need more info from you: what is your definition of 'attraction'?
that's a good question! I think I mean something more than just thinking someone is good looking. I think for me at least so much of that comes from getting a sense of how someone talks and moves (I think what im saying is I need to see them as a 3D person haha)
In that case, I have a suggestion - which should help you 'discover what [you're] (not) into' (as you've written in your first post, here in TMDP).
Maybe you've already done this, IDK. If you haven't, though, please think about how you experience the following:
- aesthetic attraction (your 'thinking someone is good looking');
- romantic attraction (wanting to connect emotionally with someone, in a way that will lead to the two of you falling in love with each other);
- sexual attraction (wanting to have sex with someone);
- libido (the body's own drive to have sex, which fluctuates due to life, stress, hormone levels etc.).
*
Mainstream dating/romance culture, see, tends to treats them all as the same thing (I believe that this is because many people experience them all at the same time, or very close together).
The trouble is, they're not actually the same - and not everyone experiences all of them at the same time, or even at all.
Again, you might already know how you experience them - which is great! It's just that some of what you write is similar to what I've heard from people who don't experience them at the same time, or even at all.
So, it's worth figuring out :)
At the moment, from what you've written so far, I can't tell whether you:
- do experience 'something more', and just value it more than surface looks?
OR
- don't experience 'something more' until you actually get to know someone?
And then, what is 'something more' for you? Romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or both?
thank you for such an amazingly comprehensive comment! very very useful to think about. as to the second part of your comment: I do experience 'something more' (to use a cliched term, I think we're talking about like a 'spark' as it were?) and would say I do value it more than surface looks, but also that looks aren't completely unimportant and are definitely part of the 'something more' package if you get me
No worries! It's worth thinking about even if you do experience all four - it reminds us that everyone is different, and will hopefully help you get a clearer idea about who you are, and who is or isn't right for you.
(And, if you were a 'don't' - someone who happens to be aro, ace, demiromantic... or demisexual, as another commenter here has briefly mentioned - it's particularly vital. I have a couple of friends who are on that spectrum and sooo many people, including allos, don't know the different definitions. I've seen it cause a lot of pain, that's all.)
Yes, 'something more' = spark, AKA initial attraction. And yes, if aesthetic attraction (surface looks) is important to you, that's valid too (as long as you're not unkind about it, like Mr Darcy at that first ball lol) :D
oh no of course not, when I say 'looks' I specifically mean 'my type' which is not necessarily the male beauty standard. but im certainly not running around going 'ewwww!' at all the conventionally attractive gym bros (or indeed anyone else!) lmao
Well, I have tried those things off and on. I totally get where you are coming from. If you knew me in person, I would tell you, "No, don't do it." You are in a good place. You don't need to use an app to meet anyone. You are who you are and I think better knowing what is working for you. Do not fall into that trap in society to meet someone or find someone to hang with for family functions or holidays and couple parties. I think you are something like me, we will meet someone when we meet someone. I have been single all my life. Most of my life took me into jobs that having a relationship or family, to me, was not a very good thing to do. Military life and being a firefighter, is good but not for a wife and kids to worry if you'll be coming home or not. It isn't fair. So much of mine was working and well, working. Now most everyone I meet are 20 to 30 years younger. I missed my time. You still have thee chance but if it doesn't. no worries. You are doing what you want. Sometimes having friends is the best. I at a point where friends have levels. From acquaintances to the one friend you become very close and do what adults do, [in private, sometimes.] That is me and how I see it. You seem to be doing what I did awhile back. Questions. It's good. Look at what you want. Do you want to be beholden to another. Yet also, when that one person,a and I know there is one for all, comes along, it will change your outlook and behavior. I know. You got this. You know what to do. I have faith in you and know it will all be what you want. This was a very mind thinking piece. You got me to think. Great job! You are good.
oh god this was a wonderful comment. I'm not in the military (or a firefighter) but my type of job has the potential for having to move around quite a lot and I sooo feel the prospect of that being at odds with having a 'traditional' relationship. and also, yeah, if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, I have great friends and solid relationships in that regard; but I'm going to give this a go as a 'why not' kind of thing - see what happens, push myself a bit, hopefully have fun. thank you so much for this comment ❤️
I met my now fiancé on Tinder, which was funny because I mostly used the app as a form of entertainment. My friends and I would have a few drinks and go through our matches, deliberately sending the most obnoxious and cheesy pick up lines.
I think online dating only worked for me on a personal level, because I had absolutely no expectations from it.
I think that's the way to go about it if you're going to use the apps. I think having expectations has the potential for a lot of disappointment/frustration
I hate using dating apps as well, however pushed myself (after months of getting it for a day or two then deleting it to have it for a few weeks) i met 2 nice guys from hinge and went on a few dates with them and talked to a few others, which is big for me haha I’ve deleted it now which is my go to haha and don’t plan on getting it back but you also meet people in person and I so prefer that! There are so many dating events nights around too where everyone is single and you meet in person, My bestie and I went to one a few months ago and it helped us in confidence, not caring what guys think and just to strike up a conversation with anyone,
you for sure will always meet people out and majority of time as well meet people through friends and all that :) dating apps are super popular and many meet people through that but there is still the old school way to meet people :) lots of my girlfriends have met people out at random events (like football games, nights out, grocery stores, the beach ect haha) there are rom com stories out there and it can really happen like that too! 🥰
I did not see that 4am taxi reveal coming *at all*!
I love this comment 😂
I think that the most charming thing to me about this project of yours is how much it reminds me of me before I met my partner. That is, of course, not to say that you should everything as I did, but I highly advise you to be flexible. I also did not believe I’d find my partner on a dating app, with the thought behind this belief being “the person who is going to be the one for me would not actually be on a dating app.” And yet, I was on every dating app in Bulgaria (ain’t no Hinge for the wicked) trying to find my person and I did happen to eventually find him on… (think of this as a drumroll) Tinder! I didn’t quite like him at the beginning until one day we met on a train and spent 4-5 hours together. My best friend saw him through the window as he was about to get in, I texted him, he processed the fact that I am in the same train as him for 20 minutes, and then he came to my wagon and spent the rest of the journey home with me. A few days later we went on a proper date and then we went on another one and the rest is history.
I think that dating parties might be a better fit for you. Perhaps you could try a combination and go on a Tinder party if they do such parties in your area and you are comfortable with the idea of matching with somebody and then immediately meeting them (not quite sure I would be, but I suppose this will be closer to the old school dating experience.) In any case, try whatever you think makes sense for you to try and see for yourself. And, be careful! As much as there are wonderful people out there on these apps, there are people who do not have your best interest at heart. And, there are also people who will over sexualise you from the beginning. Stand your ground and try to take the best out of all of your options. Take care and I wish you lots of luck on your journey! ♥️
this is a wonderful comment, thank you so much! really appreciate the advice, definitely taking on board. also, that train scenario is like something from a romcom or a Christmas film or something haha, I love it! 💜
I've often found this with apps and it's so nice to read this! I've tried to explain the sheer slog of this to people who just don't seem to get. They think it would be fun and assume it's an embarrassment-about-being-on-apps-thing which it's not, it's just the unnaturalness of it and, also, I share the same rarely fancying people thing.
Anyway, I read this today and thought of you: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/sep/25/gamified-dating-apps-ghosted-behaviour
Perhaps you'll meet someone on Substack?!
ugh thank you!!! I'm so glad to have someone say they feel the same! bookmarked that article to read, thanks. and can you imagine if I DID meet someone on substack lmao, not sure about the whole 'they would have read my literal diary' element to that tbf!
I’m so glad too! Yes imagine - it would add something new to the getting to know you bit. Or perhaps the beauty is it would take that awkward part away completely!
From someone who’s on the ace spectrum and struggles incessantly on the apps, I’ve found hinge and bumble to be the post tolerable but still tedious and disappointing 🤩 I’ve experimented with non-monogamy and kink and have met a few cool folks on feeld but I know that isn’t everyone’s vibe haha
With more people becoming vocal about their hatred for dating apps, though, I hope more in person meet ups are on the rise! Wishing us all luck :’)
ooh I don't think non-monog/feeld is quite my vibe but from anything ive heard from the kink scene people seem to meet a lot of really cool and nice people. absolutely wishing us all luck 🤞💕
Yeah I can attest to that! There’s a much higher level of self awareness and compassion for others that makes communication so much easier 😅
Good post , thanks for sharing 😀, if you want to Read my last two posts to give you more insight on dating apps , from someone who has been on them for the last five years on and off ! ‘Dating App Hell, a modern nightmare’ 🤦🏻♀️and ‘my dating app ban’ 🤷🏻♀️ 😃
oh fab, I will read!
'does anyone else feel the same? surely someone else must think they just can't be attracted to someone they’ve only seen pictures of and only over the internet??'
Hmm. Okay, so first thing's first: I do know people who are like this - so yes, you are not alone :)
Secondly... well, I need more info from you: what is your definition of 'attraction'?
that's a good question! I think I mean something more than just thinking someone is good looking. I think for me at least so much of that comes from getting a sense of how someone talks and moves (I think what im saying is I need to see them as a 3D person haha)
Thanks for explaining :)
In that case, I have a suggestion - which should help you 'discover what [you're] (not) into' (as you've written in your first post, here in TMDP).
Maybe you've already done this, IDK. If you haven't, though, please think about how you experience the following:
- aesthetic attraction (your 'thinking someone is good looking');
- romantic attraction (wanting to connect emotionally with someone, in a way that will lead to the two of you falling in love with each other);
- sexual attraction (wanting to have sex with someone);
- libido (the body's own drive to have sex, which fluctuates due to life, stress, hormone levels etc.).
*
Mainstream dating/romance culture, see, tends to treats them all as the same thing (I believe that this is because many people experience them all at the same time, or very close together).
The trouble is, they're not actually the same - and not everyone experiences all of them at the same time, or even at all.
Again, you might already know how you experience them - which is great! It's just that some of what you write is similar to what I've heard from people who don't experience them at the same time, or even at all.
So, it's worth figuring out :)
At the moment, from what you've written so far, I can't tell whether you:
- do experience 'something more', and just value it more than surface looks?
OR
- don't experience 'something more' until you actually get to know someone?
And then, what is 'something more' for you? Romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or both?
(Re-commenting the last bit of this comment because my thoughts are too long for Substack to display lol)
*
At the moment, from what you've written so far, I can't tell whether you:
- do experience 'something more', and just value it more than surface looks?
OR
- don't experience 'something more' until you actually get to know someone?
And then, what is 'something more' for you? Romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or both?
thank you for such an amazingly comprehensive comment! very very useful to think about. as to the second part of your comment: I do experience 'something more' (to use a cliched term, I think we're talking about like a 'spark' as it were?) and would say I do value it more than surface looks, but also that looks aren't completely unimportant and are definitely part of the 'something more' package if you get me
No worries! It's worth thinking about even if you do experience all four - it reminds us that everyone is different, and will hopefully help you get a clearer idea about who you are, and who is or isn't right for you.
(And, if you were a 'don't' - someone who happens to be aro, ace, demiromantic... or demisexual, as another commenter here has briefly mentioned - it's particularly vital. I have a couple of friends who are on that spectrum and sooo many people, including allos, don't know the different definitions. I've seen it cause a lot of pain, that's all.)
Yes, 'something more' = spark, AKA initial attraction. And yes, if aesthetic attraction (surface looks) is important to you, that's valid too (as long as you're not unkind about it, like Mr Darcy at that first ball lol) :D
oh no of course not, when I say 'looks' I specifically mean 'my type' which is not necessarily the male beauty standard. but im certainly not running around going 'ewwww!' at all the conventionally attractive gym bros (or indeed anyone else!) lmao
(I know you were being tongue in cheek)
Well, I have tried those things off and on. I totally get where you are coming from. If you knew me in person, I would tell you, "No, don't do it." You are in a good place. You don't need to use an app to meet anyone. You are who you are and I think better knowing what is working for you. Do not fall into that trap in society to meet someone or find someone to hang with for family functions or holidays and couple parties. I think you are something like me, we will meet someone when we meet someone. I have been single all my life. Most of my life took me into jobs that having a relationship or family, to me, was not a very good thing to do. Military life and being a firefighter, is good but not for a wife and kids to worry if you'll be coming home or not. It isn't fair. So much of mine was working and well, working. Now most everyone I meet are 20 to 30 years younger. I missed my time. You still have thee chance but if it doesn't. no worries. You are doing what you want. Sometimes having friends is the best. I at a point where friends have levels. From acquaintances to the one friend you become very close and do what adults do, [in private, sometimes.] That is me and how I see it. You seem to be doing what I did awhile back. Questions. It's good. Look at what you want. Do you want to be beholden to another. Yet also, when that one person,a and I know there is one for all, comes along, it will change your outlook and behavior. I know. You got this. You know what to do. I have faith in you and know it will all be what you want. This was a very mind thinking piece. You got me to think. Great job! You are good.
oh god this was a wonderful comment. I'm not in the military (or a firefighter) but my type of job has the potential for having to move around quite a lot and I sooo feel the prospect of that being at odds with having a 'traditional' relationship. and also, yeah, if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, I have great friends and solid relationships in that regard; but I'm going to give this a go as a 'why not' kind of thing - see what happens, push myself a bit, hopefully have fun. thank you so much for this comment ❤️
I met my now fiancé on Tinder, which was funny because I mostly used the app as a form of entertainment. My friends and I would have a few drinks and go through our matches, deliberately sending the most obnoxious and cheesy pick up lines.
I think online dating only worked for me on a personal level, because I had absolutely no expectations from it.
I think that's the way to go about it if you're going to use the apps. I think having expectations has the potential for a lot of disappointment/frustration
I hate using dating apps as well, however pushed myself (after months of getting it for a day or two then deleting it to have it for a few weeks) i met 2 nice guys from hinge and went on a few dates with them and talked to a few others, which is big for me haha I’ve deleted it now which is my go to haha and don’t plan on getting it back but you also meet people in person and I so prefer that! There are so many dating events nights around too where everyone is single and you meet in person, My bestie and I went to one a few months ago and it helped us in confidence, not caring what guys think and just to strike up a conversation with anyone,
you for sure will always meet people out and majority of time as well meet people through friends and all that :) dating apps are super popular and many meet people through that but there is still the old school way to meet people :) lots of my girlfriends have met people out at random events (like football games, nights out, grocery stores, the beach ect haha) there are rom com stories out there and it can really happen like that too! 🥰
love all of this! omg dating events! you should write something about that (if you wanted to) cause I would looooove to read it
I’ll try to write one out!
Based on your description you may be Demisexual x